Festivus 2019

By Eric Beasley

Happy Festivus everyone! It’s the day where we let it all out, our grievances against society. In celebration:

• In 1776, we created a government. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
• At this very moment, a child born while their father was fighting in Afghanistan has turned 18, enlisted, completed Basic Training and AIT, and is now deploying to fight that same war.
• Screw you Disney for introducing us to Baby Yoda and making us wait 6 months for the toys.
• If you are old enough to fight and die for your country, you are old enough to have a beer and smoke a cigarette. Anyone who disagrees is a communist.
• Why are half the businesses in Brunswick operating illegally?
• Why do we even have business licenses?

• Four employees of a residential treatment center (The Jefferson School, part of Sheppard Pratt Health System) have been charged with crimes ranging from sexual abuse of a minor to creating and distributing child pornography. Why are we not hearing more about this?
• The Thin Black Line. Need I say more?
• Maryland State Troopers who illegally detain private citizens.
• Maryland is one of four states in which it is legal for a mandated reporter to not report clear signs of child abuse to CPS. Paging legislators in Annapolis…
• Why does Netflix automatically stop your shows after 3 episodes, Amazon Prime after 6, and Disney+ keeps playing them until the TV turns off?
• Fortunately for the Festivus pole, a store in Maryland is finally carrying Jamaica flavored soda. So this is just filler.
• I do not want to have my taxes raised to create a new jail for all the elected representatives that keep being indicted for bribery, corruption, and fraud. Can you all just stop? Please?
• Ahsoka Tano should have been in Star Wars Episode IX.
• Virginia’s Governor and legislators need to calm down before 1776 Part 2: Electric Boogaloo engulfs the state.
• Epstein didn’t kill himself.
• Two-Party consent for audio recording in Maryland only protects criminals and child abusers from accountability for their actions. Illinois has an exception for instances of child abuse. Maryland should pass the same exception. Paging Annapolis again…
• If you car does not use diesel, stop clogging up the few diesel pumps at Sheets.
• Screw you Dodge for making a full size truck that gets 30 MPG, then reveal to the world that you cheated on the emissions testing, and the “fix” forces that same truck to get 23 MPG.
• Environmentalists that do not compost, have solar panels, drive a hybrid, grow their own food, but expect everyone else to live that way and utilize the force of government to accomplish their goals.
• Kilts should be acceptable summer formal wear for men.